


Remembering the Stories - Part One of Two

by YesBothWays



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Healing, Healing Sex, Love, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Romantic Friendship, yes both ways
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-19
Updated: 2013-11-19
Packaged: 2018-01-02 01:20:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1050823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YesBothWays/pseuds/YesBothWays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Story takes place in the alt world of "Remember Nothing" and follows Xena and Gabrielle's progression to intimacy as Gabrielle heals from past trauma.</p><p>"Xena started to sing.  Very softly, in time to her hand touching Gabrielle.  It seemed so uncanny, unlike anything she anticipated, it stopped all her thoughts. She listened to the song, the tired voice strangely strong and clear in the dark room.  The words carried her someplace – an old story she once knew.  A golden boy who climbed a mountain, drank sweet water from a fountain there, and flew away on an eagle towards the sun.  It was like medicine.  She felt her body, felt the room.  She felt the surrounding village.  The peace there, the safety.  So unfamiliar.  She felt each touch of Xena's hand, the heat from it, so soothing.  How it seemed to burn, to reach beneath her skin.  She swallowed hard, fearing it would stop.  But it didn't."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remembering the Stories - Part One of Two

**Author's Note:**

> Not for monetary profit and full of sex between women. Aftermath of rape, violence, and captivity are implied, but no scenes are visited directly. Takes place in the alternate reality of "Remember Nothing." Some details are changed, more importantly that there is no "draw blood in anger" clause to the Fate's gift but a permanent change to the alt world.

_It was seven months now since Gabrielle had been freed.  She had finally stopped fearing this woman, Xena.  Her best friend, as she thought of her now.  They worked every day together, slept in the same bed._

            And there was this feeling between them.  Gabrielle didn't quite know what to call it.  She had taken up writing again.  Her young life, before slavery, had been very much on her mind these past months.  She was trying to write about Xena now, about what she felt between them.  An endless bond, it seemed.  She could not really remember what it was like before Xena was there.  And she had no words for the great tenderness she felt between them.  Or how beautiful Xena might appear to her in common moments, as she kneeled to light a fire or laughed at some joke. 

            Gabrielle wondered if she were falling in love. Whatever was happening, she had realized she need not keep it hid.  It was mutual.  Xena made no attempt to hide her feelings to Gabrielle and often looked at her with such tenderness.  She would touch her sometimes, and Gabrielle felt there was more love conveyed there than she could put into words. 

            Gabrielle gave a sort of huff of laughter now.  Their first nights together had been so tortured.  Gabrielle remembered how convinced she had been that Xena had schemes she kept hid.  She imagined her as a different person than she was, ruthless and cunning, manipulating some plot.  That's what she thought power was, solely. 

            She knew the precise night things changed.  Gabrielle had woken up screaming.  Xena was already holding her shoulder, saying, "Hey, hey," softly.  Gabrielle trembled.  Somehow it was more terrifying to wake up here, to be safe.  

            They lay back down, and Xena left her hand on Gabrielle.  Her hand rubbed absently at Gabrielle's stomach, through the fabric of the gown she wore.  Since she had been ripped away from her childhood home, Gabrielle had not slept next to a woman, or anyone she trusted.  She had only slept next to men who thought they were her owners, men she wished to escape, though she had learned not to try. 

            Xena's hand on her felt strangely provoking.  Gabrielle wished she would get it over with.  Just take her.  What was this game?  This must be what she wanted.  Why else keep Gabrielle so near?  She moved near to Xena, prompting her.  It would be a relief to feel Xena's mouth on hers, to have Xena move over her and expose her skin.  When it happened, she knew she could forget the terror now in her body.  She had mastered the ability to feel nothing, to go outside herself in bed with such men.  She could step away from herself, from her life. 

            Gabrielle had drawn so close, Xena's lips pressed against Gabrielle's hair.  Just do it, Gabrielle was thinking, with an underlying anger and desperation.  Xena's hand started to touch her body more fully.  Her strong hand kept running over her stomach and the middle of her chest, her neck and shoulders.  So comfortable, Gabrielle noticed, some calm part of her mind speaking.  Xena seemed so comfortable touching her.  Gabrielle felt caught between the start of drifting outside herself and a strange desire to focus entirely on Xena's hand as it drifted over her body.  She lay frozen and breathing, like a desperate animal. 

            Then Xena started to sing.  Very softly, in time to her hand touching Gabrielle.  It seemed so uncanny, unlike anything she anticipated, it stopped all her thoughts. She listened to the song, the tired voice strangely strong and clear in the dark room.  The words carried her someplace – an old story she once knew.  A golden boy who climbed a mountain, drank sweet water from a fountain there, and flew away on an eagle towards the sun.  It was like medicine.  She felt her body, felt the room.  She felt the surrounding village.  The peace there, the safety.  So unfamiliar.  She felt each touch of Xena's hand, the heat from it, so soothing.  How it seemed to burn, to reach beneath her skin.  She swallowed hard, fearing it would stop.  But it didn't. 

            She could not remember in the morning whether Xena's song had finished before or after she fell back asleep.  And it took some days, but suddenly she noticed, she did not fear Xena anymore. 

 

            They would take turns bathing in their room each night.  Gabrielle had gone first and had just finished brushing out and braiding her hair.  Xena was drying herself, standing near the fire.  Gabrielle picked up a bottle of ointment Xena had made her to put on her hands.  They were rough and cracked from working with lye and rope when she came.  Gabrielle put some in her hand and started rubbing them coarsely together.  Xena had put on a gown and was drying around her ear, turning her head, and noticed. 

            "Here, let me do that," Xena said, dropping the towel on a chair.  Her tone was friendly, but brusque.  She had teased Gabrielle before that if she was going to put the salve on so rough, she might as well not bother. 

            Gabrielle gave small laugh, relinquishing the bottle. Xena had put some in her hand and knelt down.  Gabrielle felt her hand taken in both of Xena's.  Her long fingers were delicate, able to be incredibly precise.  Gabrielle could never understand how soft they were.  When they had first found one another, Gabrielle would often look at Xena's hands, lying on a table or cutting a loaf of bread, and think of their strength.  How strange and sinister it seemed, under the surface.  If Xena wanted to now, she could crush the bones in Gabrielle's hand.  Now, nothing seemed more ludicrous than to imagine it.  Xena worked Gabrielle's hand, rubbing the salve into each pad and fingertip, then took the other. 

            Gabrielle realized how silent they had both become.  Xena looked up at her, and they shared a soft smile.  Gabrielle happened to notice Xena swallow as she turned away.  A bit too hard.  Her own heart beat rapidly.  Why am I afraid? She thought.  She realized, with a start she felt surprised didn't make her jump visibly, that what she felt was not fear.  It was excitement. 

            Something of the old Gabrielle came out, as she had been as a child.  Impulsive and brave.  She touched Xena's lips with her fingertips, and drawing her face up, she kissed her lightly. 

            Xena gave a start, but did not pull away.  She looked up at her now.  And Gabrielle's heart beat hard.  She was searching Gabrielle's face, and though it was not clear what she thought, there was neither shock nor displeasure in her look. Xena swallowed hard again. Here eyes were sharp as they moved over Gabrielle's face. Gabrielle smiled softly, looking over her expression. She was onto her. She felt a flutter of excitement in her own chest like some awkward and eager bird taking to flight unexpectedly. 

            Gabrielle's boldness seemed to break out now, tumbling free after being confined for so many years.  She swallowed and sat up and prepared to speak, Xena's eyes searching her face. 

            "Would you kiss me?" she asked, "A while?" 

            Xena didn't bother to make an answer in words.  She stood up, keeping Gabrielle's hand, and moved them to the bed.  She turned the covers down, as Gabrielle listened to her own heart beating fast.  The lamp by the bed had already been lit.  The two of them climbed in, as they did every night. 

            Gabrielle's hands trembled.  She felt so safe here, and she was almost giddy with her own impetuousness.  How had she known Xena would not recoil in shock?  She smiled slightly.  She had never seduced anyone in her life.  But that's not what this is, she thought.  She doubted if anyone could manipulate Xena.  Xena leaned in over Gabrielle.  Gabrielle was not sure what this was, what it meant.  She only knew she wanted it.  And so, she felt sure, must Xena. 

            Slowly, Xena kissed her.  The first was one brief meeting of their lips.  Gabrielle felt their breath mingling between their mouths.  Their lips touched longer the second time.  Gabrielle felt stunned at the incredible depth of feeling conveyed in Xena's kisses, even so shy as these were.  Xena kissed the corner of her mouth.  She kissed her top lip.  Then her bottom lip.  Gabrielle had to remember to breath.  She felt jarred to realize she had not yet kissed Xena back.  Xena moved slowly, but she did not seem disturbed.  When their lips met again, Gabrielle made her first awkward response.  After a few more kisses, something shifted, fell into place, like taking up a song while one worked.  Their kisses were a dance, it was easy.  One led to another and another, until like a pair of dancers, they had found many rhythms, gentle and intense, moving in and out of them with ease. 

            Gabrielle had let her hands search Xena's back, pressing to feel it through the cloth of her gown.  She surprised herself again tonight when her desire to feel Xena's skin grew, and she pulled the shirt down and touched Xena's shoulders.  Xena took one deep breath in their kiss at the feel of Gabrielle's hands on her skin.  A flash of embarrassment arrested her at how coarse they were.  But in the next kiss, it became clear Xena was moved rather than offended by her touch.

              Gabrielle pulled the gown down further, the laces pulling apart at the front and allowing it to slide down Xena's body.  She felt Xena's naked back under her hands, and Xena moved only to free her arms from the gown, barely disrupting their kisses. The unmarred skin of her back felt incredibly soft as it slipped through her hands.  She remembered running her hands over a piece of silk in the marketplace as a girl, the kind merchant smiling as he held it out to her.  That's what Xena felt like to her, living silk.  Words were returning to her in a trickle, along with the past.  Xena's hair slid over the backs of her hands as she ran them over the muscles and blades of her shoulders – Gabrielle felt each part, over and over again, and still they mesmerized her.  One day, she would give them words. 

            Xena leaned up, so she could see Gabrielle's face in the lamplight.  She gave Xena a moment to search her face, wondering what she looked for there.  But she grew distracted.  In what little light spilled on Xena's exposed chest, Gabrielle saw the line of her neck and breasts.  Her chest filled with an ache she had never felt before.  She leaned up, bringing her hand to Xena's neck, holding her as she kissed the other side.    

            Xena's breath came halted.  She reached to touch Gabrielle's hand on her neck, and Gabrielle took her hand and felt Xena's fingers trembling within her own.  Xena rested her head on Gabrielle's shoulder. She was overwhelmed.  Gabrielle had never seen Xena unsteadied, even for a moment.  Like an intoxicant, Xena's response poured through her, a heat, a fire that gave some part of her long restrained release.  She turned Xena, laying her down.  She formed the question in her mind, but the answer was clear, written on Xena's body.  Gabrielle touched Xena's chest, running her fingers over collarbones and down the center, touching the curve of her breast, then touching her nipple. 

            They had been silent until now, though the rush of breathing, the shifting fabric, and the inaudible rasp of skin and lips as they ran over each other had felt as if they filled the room.  Indeed, Gabrielle felt they must be filling the rest of the house, spilling out into the night, though she knew this was not true.  When Gabrielle's fingers touched Xena's nipple, Xena gave at once a sound, as if it broke free from her chest.  It was the first either of them had made, and, for Gabrielle, it changed everything.  So beautiful.  So beautiful, Gabrielle thought.  She drew the sound out again.  Overwhelmed herself, now, as she leaned down to bring out more and more.  Time passed that Gabrielle could not weigh, and Xena quaked from the touch. 

            "Gabrielle," she said.  It was almost a cry itself.  Desperate, Gabrielle thought. Xena reached, uncontrollably and pressed once, hard, between her own legs.  Her hand stayed on her hip, barely able to stay away from the ache of her body.  She was telling Gabrielle she could take no more.  She needed to stop, or find release.  I might leave and give her in solitude, so she could have it, Gabrielle thought. 

            Gabrielle considered a moment.  But her boldness had arrested her completely now.  And she did not want to leave.  She reached down and slowly drew the fabric of the gown up over Xena's thighs.  They were trembling, like the rest of her.  She touched the back of Xena's hand, lightly, as she kissed her breast again. 

            Xena cried out, and just as Gabrielle intended, compelled by the intensity of her longing, she reached between her own legs.  At the first stroke, Xena shuddered.  Gabrielle remembered for the first time in so long how she had touched herself as a young woman, how she had imagined a hundred versions of her wedding night.  Her hand rested lightly on the back of Xena's hand and felt as she made another and another stroke. Each brought out a soft sound and a tremor.  This was how it used to feel, she remembered. Gabrielle continued on kissing Xena's lips, then kissing her breasts, wanting to maintain this heightened longing that made Xena so responsive and also made her so vulnerable.  This was where she belonged she felt, in such intimacy with this woman.  This was where she _wanted_ to belong. 

            Gabrielle stopped a moment, amazed, when she felt Xena begin to build to what she thought would be a climax, and instead Xena pressed two fingers into herself.  She watched her a moment, her back arching, her lips parted, engulfed in ecstasy.  She remembered the other women she had lived with, worked with, how they spoke of this.  No woman could ever really want a man, they agreed.  They merely submitted when they couldn't find a way to escape anymore.  Their words in her mind, Gabrielle watched Xena, feeling her hand.  This was how it was supposed to feel, Gabrielle thought, to have someone inside you.  She herself, trembled at the sight. 

            She kissed Xena's throat, and her fingers slipped in between Xena's body and her palm to find the aching point of desire she knew was there.  Xena gasped and seemed flooded with all she was feeling.  Her back bent as whole body tensed.  She struggled to breath, and a sweat broke out on her skin.  Gabrielle drew back to watch and was amazed how much she could take, how high she built the mounting tension of her pleasure, how long she stayed poised there and willing herself to remain, before she let go and pleasure broke free in her, washing over her again and again, bringing her down to the bed. 

            Gabrielle lay with her head on Xena's chest, the fingers of Xena's free hand entangled in her hair.  She could hear Xena's heart pounding in her chest. Those final cries sounded over and over in Gabrielle's mind,.  She felt Xena's breath calming, felt their hands still pressed to her body.  When Xena drew her fingers away, Gabrielle entwined their fingers and pressed both to Xena's body a moment.  How wet she is, Gabrielle thought.  And she considered her own body for the first time, realizing how much this had excited her in the heat and sensitivity she felt between her own legs.  She felt almost afraid. 

            Gabrielle leaned up to kiss Xena's open lips.  Their kisses were so tender now.  Xena felt exhausted, and more fragile than Gabrielle would have thought she could become.  How can she tolerate it? Gabrielle wondered.  As if in response, Xena hid herself in Gabrielle's shoulder, drawing her near.  She held Xena a long time, feeling the edge of her breath touch her neck, hearing its rush amplified so close to her ear.  Was it like this with everyone? she wondered.  With everyone Xena had been with as a lover?  Was there something unique between them?  

 

            Gabrielle awoke that night in a fit of terror.  She had dreamed of being taken again.  Only this time, it was not Lila, but Xena being captured with her.  Xena being held down, before her eyes. 

            "Don't let them take you!  Don't let them take you!" she said to Xena, disoriented and in a panic.  Xena held her near, soothing her.  They lay down again.  Xena was holding her hand, which Gabrielle gripped tight, and brought it up to kiss the back of it.  She did not tell Xena about the dream.   

 

            "Here," Xena had said, as she entered the room.  Gabrielle had bathed while she was gone to find her some clothes.  She was carrying her mother's dress.  But she stopped just inside the doorway.  Gabrielle was asleep already, lying on her side in the bed. 

            Xena came to lie next to her, pulling the blankets back.  She had seen Gabrielle naked a hundred times before, but she looked closely now.  Her shape was different, formed from different work, different experiences.

            She drew the lamp close and looked at Gabrielle's back.  The pattern of scars was vivid.  Ten, maybe twelve lines.  Why did they keep count when they punished?  To imply some order to their madness, she thought.  To instill a sense that it was avoidable, deserved.  Herself a past tormenter, she knew it wasn't.  It was part of a game that only those with the power to punish could ever win. 

            She let her fingers touch lightly the scars.  So deep.  It would take a lot of work to do this kind of injury with a whip.  She wondered what Gabrielle had done before receiving such a cruel punishment. 

            She looked over her body, feeling the depths to which she was stirred by the sight of Gabrielle.  She had been confronted with her love for her so many times, and still it came as something of a shock.  I used to feel _nothing_ , Xena had told her once.  Gabrielle looked long at her, curious, disbelieving.  Xena knew that was not quite what she meant.  She had burned with hatred.  But not felt, never inside her.  She held it out, and so she burned.  And kept burning.  Burned men, burned the countryside, burned anything.  Only some vague memory of love kept her from complete chaos.  She would burn like that no longer in this life.  She would only burn within. 

            She felt her breath catch as she looked over the rest of Gabrielle's body, down to her legs.  She drew closer, seeing a scar on the left thigh.  A strange place for a wound, she could not picture its origin. 

            Drawing closer, she saw there were bruises, on the insides her thighs and, she saw now, on her hip.  From some work, a part of her mind offered, and she brushed aside harshly, a nice thought.  How many times had she herself bruised Gabrielle's body when their passion grew furious and Xena pressed her against a tree or handled her roughly?  She felt ashamed the first time she saw them.  Gabrielle gave a half-grin.  _I rather like them_ she said.  _A little reminder_. _It's not as if it hurt at the time._

            These marks, Xena thought, were not like those.  She put the lamp away and climbed into bed. 

 

            Xena lay awake in the dark room, still holding Gabrielle.  She had fallen back asleep. 

            You are becoming lovers now.  Take care, she thought to herself. 

            Perhaps there ought to have been more words between them.  But there never were many words, even before.  How much more confident Gabrielle had been, than Xena, in the beginning.  She often kissed her with teasing kisses.  On the cheek.  One day, she caught Xena's lips, perhaps even by accident. 

            _Hey_! Xena barked.  Gabrielle grinned. 

            _Big tough warrior,_ Gabrielle teased, _Afraid of my kisses?_ Xena steeled herself, in a show of resolve. 

            _Try me_ , she said.  Gabrielle stared at her a moment, mischief in her eyes.  

            Xena sat motionless. She was sure she would not take her up on the dare.  She was wrong.  She kissed Xena's lips several times with barely an edge of reserve. 

The whole world seemed to shift, as Xena felt her own heart rise to her throat and quicken.  She was afraid of Gabrielle's kisses, she realized.  She felt ashamed, imagining after so much war that she was beyond fear.  The joke had ended.  They were too close for Gabrielle not to realize it, as she looked at Xena's face.  She touched Xena's face, gently, and kissed her one last time before moving away. 

            That was how it started.  Within a month, they were lovers.  Xena could almost feel Gabrielle, in her fingers, she remembered so vividly how she felt that first time.  They knelt by the fire, blanket under their knees, with Xena behind Gabrielle.  She had drawn Xena's hand around her and led it under her skirt.  Xena found her incredibly wet and responsive to the lightest touch.  Xena had her other arm around her, holding her tightly.  She leaned back, turning, and put her hand to Xena's neck.  Xena moved to help her position them so that they might kiss.  Their faces were held close.  Xena rocked them back and forth.  She set up a rhythm, as if soothing herself, as she brought Gabrielle to pleasure and reached inside her, beginning to open her for the first time.  Gabrielle gasped and shivered, and came to climax in Xena's arms, unafraid and full of desire. 

            How had it been for her in this life, that first time? she wondered.  Xena fought with the rage and guilt that rose in her chest.  There was no point in regretting the Fates' gift.  But if she had been thinking of Gabrielle, then, she knew she would not have asked for this life.  Those thoughts were useless now.  What recompense and what healing were to be found here, now? 

            Gabrielle had already changed dramatically.  Tonight Gabrielle reminded Xena of her past self more than ever before.  Her storytelling and laughter at dinner.  The mild practical joke she pulled on Lyceus.  The ease in her body; she was no longer on guard all the time. 

            And, most of all, that look in her face, as she must have been deciding to kiss Xena.  So much was held there that felt to Xena essential to Gabrielle, to who she was.  No one else was ever braver in love.  When the moment came that offered a chance of mercy, understanding, intimacy, Gabrielle moved.  Watching how she made her choices in life, had changed Xena dramatically.  Not everything had to be war.  Xena wondered now if anything had to be. 

TBC -- Continued in Part Two (In Three Chapters)

**Author's Note:**

> I love hearing from people, so if you're up for leaving a comment, thought, or a kudos please do!


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